when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
