Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
