So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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