Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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