doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
