why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
