giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
