My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
