home. puking in laundry basket.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
His hands were made for my vagina.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
