I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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