Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
