Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
