Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
