i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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