u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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