apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
