You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
