omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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