I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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