I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
