Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
