So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
