your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She announced her abortion via fbk
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
