Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
