My liver just broke up with me...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
