turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
