im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
