Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
