Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
