He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
