I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
