Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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