Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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