everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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