Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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