where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
