If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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