I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
