I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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