and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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