Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
