Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
another moral hangover. fuck.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
