Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
