i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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