I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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