Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
