I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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