Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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