he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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