Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
